Jingle bells. I hear him coming, but it's just the fancy of childhood. Actually, my belief in Santa Claus left a long time ago. I don't remember anything specific about what made me see the light, and it wasn't some traumatic awakening like some people I've met. I guess the knowledge that Santa was a big hoax, although a harmless pleasant one, came gradually. And then the year I helped my mother wrap Christmas presents...that settled it.

Living in China this year though, I would have liked to own just one small piece of Christmas, even if it was a misguided belief in an old man that sneaks down chimnies to give away presents made in a secret workshop in the North Pole by little elves. I would have even settled for a dinner with my family. Forget the presents. Give me the anticipation, the cheer, the cheesy Christmas ads on TV. They'd be better than going through December 25th as just another day. Christmas was completely absent this year. It failed to cross the ocean, the only place it existed was in my faded memories. My collegues didn't fail to wish me a "Merry Christmas", I'm not sure if it made it better or worse though. It was kind of a striking reminder that I wasn't able to partake in something I truly enjoy: Christmas.

Of course, one never fully realizes what something means to them until they either don't have it anymore, or they can't get it. Or they lose it. I knew that I would be away from home this Christmas, and I told myself I didn't care. Thanksgiving came and went, and it stung a bit. But not as much as Christmas. I knew a few days ago that I'd be a bit down once Christmas came. But as I was forced to live my life completely the same as I always do, the full impact was absorbed, and not gratefully. I spent the day doing what I always do: teaching, spending time on the internet, reading, SMSing my girlfriend, looking for work in Beijing. My Christmas dinner consisted of the same fare I consume day in and day out. Stir fried vegetables and pork, rice and hot water graced my Christmas table. An utterly ordinary day on what should have been a festive celebration spent with my family. I can't and wont complain that much though. I have alot to bring me out of my funk. A girlfriend I love, the promise of a better tomorrow, a future that I am in control of, and my health. Perhaps Christmas came after all.